Bill Engvall is a master of turning everyday life into laugh-out-loud moments. His humor is relatable, honest, and packed with wisdom. Whether he’s talking about family, work, or just being human, his quotes hit home. Here’s a collection of his best lines that’ll make you chuckle—and maybe think a little, too.
The Best of Bill Engvall’s Wit and Wisdom
Bill’s humor is all about finding the funny in the ordinary. Here are some of his most memorable quotes:
🔹 “Here’s your sign.” (His signature line—simple but genius.)
🔹 “I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but last night, the smoke alarm went off and the toast sent it a thank-you note.”
🔹 “I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop being idiots.”
🔹 “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.”
🔹 “I told my wife the truth. I said, ‘Honey, I’m a liar.’ She said, ‘What?!’ I said, ‘See? It’s working already.’”
Life Lessons Wrapped in Laughter
Bill’s jokes often come with a side of truth. Here’s what he’s taught us about life:
🔹 “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
🔹 “The problem with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.”
🔹 “I’m at the age where my back goes out more than I do.”
🔹 “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.”
🔹 “I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.”
Family and Relationships, According to Bill
Nobody nails family humor like Bill. Here’s his take on parenting, marriage, and more:
🔹 “Having a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.”
🔹 “My wife said, ‘Can you pick up some milk?’ I said, ‘Sure, how much does it weigh?’”
🔹 “I asked my son where he learned to swear. He said, ‘From you, Dad.’ I said, ‘That’s bulls—t.’”
🔹 “My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.”
🔹 “Kids are great. You teach them to walk and talk, and then they spend the rest of their lives telling you to sit down and shut up.”
Work, Technology, and Modern Life
Bill’s take on jobs and tech is pure gold:
🔹 “I don’t trust a computer I can’t throw out a window.”
🔹 “My boss told me, ‘Dress for the job you want.’ So I went to work naked and got fired.”
🔹 “I tried working from home once. My dog fired me.”
🔹 “They say money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy a jet ski. Ever seen someone frown on a jet ski?”
🔹 “I called customer service, and they said, ‘Press 1 for English.’ I said, ‘I am pressing 1!’ They said, ‘Then why are you yelling at me?’”
Quick Hits: More Hilarious One-Liners
Need a quick laugh? These won’t disappoint:
🔹 “I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy-saving mode.”
🔹 “I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”
🔹 “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
🔹 “I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying. False advertising.”
🔹 “I’m not saying I’m Batman. I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room.”
Final Thoughts
Bill Engvall’s humor is a reminder not to take life too seriously. His jokes are sharp, relatable, and full of truth. Which one made you laugh the hardest? Drop it in the comments—and don’t forget to share this with someone who needs a smile today. 😊